Blog #5

We are somewhere north of the Oregon border and I'm consumed with the feeling that we are never going to get home.  But I'm the grown up now, so I don't say it. We can leave that up to Nathanboy.

I had such a wonderful weekend.  It's so precious to watch my kids with my grandparents.  To see Nathan sitting in my Grandpa Jim's lap, watching him laugh at his jokes brings tears to my eyes.  When the majority of the table shuffles their seats so Gracie may sit by my Grandma Ida, it warms my heart and is only SLIGHTLY exasperating.

I know Melissa isn't my actual sister but I agree with my mom, she belongs as a part of our family.  Watching her jump and run and splash in the ocean in the gray, misty weather with my kids while I took pictures, I thanked God for the blessing she is in our lives.  So often, I feel more like a father to them.  Leader, financial provider, the last word in discipline.  I tell myself its okay to be exhausted after work, I am still nurturing enough.  But I'm not.  And my compassionate, patient friend stands in the gap.  She serves my little family and is helping me to raise my children.  I could never thank her enough or repay her.  Not that she would ask or expect it.  Everyone should be so blessed to have an Aunty Melissa, even if its undeserved.

I drove all of 45 minutes on the way up.  Thanks to a tricky speed trap in Medford and a less then amiable sheriff, I now have a $190 speeding ticket in my purse.  I pulled off at the next exit and threw quite the childish little tantrum... not in front of the kids at least.  Man, I'm glad Jeremiah loves me because when I angrily through the keys on the ground and stomped my foot, I looked and sounded about as mature as Nate.  And Mocha just rolled his eyes and picked up the keys and graciously accepted my mumbled apology a little while later.  It's been a long time since I have brought someone around my family, and even longer since its been someone they liked.  And they sure do like him.  My grandma smiles at him, Nate hugs him when nobody is looking and my sister and him have quite the hilarious shtick about music tastes.  Team Shannoodles on that one.... before my eyes, the man that wasn't interested in dating a woman with kids is becoming a man leading a family.

Oh Jesus, you give me more than my stubborn, hardened heart deserves.  I hope that somewhere in my actions this weekend You were glorified,  that You came through.

California border approaching and fifth blog complete.

Blog #4

I hate working out. Like HATE it. I despise sweating. I get incredibly red-faced and I sound like a hippo drowning in shallow water. Not awesome.

I'm reading a book called Crazy Love by Francis Chan. He asked the reader if we really believe that Jesus' way is better than our own. That may seem unrelated, but there is no denying that the way I treat my body is sinful. I have little self-control when it comes to eating and having gained alot of weight, I am very unhealthy. I use food as comfort rather than my Savior. I'm not able to hide behind "Oh, its just my post baby body." Right now, I weigh more than when I delivered Nate. He was almost 11 pounds and that was over 4 years ago. I didn't stick to Weight Watchers either time I signed up. I am unable to change on my own and my current health situation is getting out of control. Control. It keeps popping up... Who's in control of my life... a good question to ask. Better though, is to have a legit answer.

I started this blog because I am dissatisfied. I choose Jesus. I choose His Way. So, right now, for me, I choose working out.

Ugh.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 (NASB) Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own? For you have been bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body.

Blog #3

I spent the long weekend with my little family in the woods.  Pampered
and provided for by Grandma.  It took me back to my own childhood, watching Gracie learn to paint the same way my sisters and I learned.  My son got to help build a burn pile, which is pretty exciting for a 4 year old city boy.  And in her infinite knowledge of small children, Aunty Melissa had the foresight to limit the number of pine cones returning to Manteca BEFORE they were collected.

I needed a break, I needed a change in scenery.  I needed to clear my head and calm my emotions.  I needed to hear Jesus and be refreshed for everyday life.  I think that happened.

I had dinner with Jeremiah last night.  My sweet friend and her husband prayed diligently for us through our meal.  We talked and talked and talked and talked and talked... and not just me.  For once. ;)  And not just two each other.  We prayed.  Earnest, heartfelt, recognizing God for who He is prayer. 

No more flip-flopping.

I love Jesus.
I love my children.
I love my Melissa.
I love my dear friends.
I love the Body I am a part of.
And I love Jeremiah.

God has a plan.  We know we must follow it.  We are united and we are ready.

Third blog, over.

Blog #2

It's my blog and I'll cry if I want to....

When any type of relationship ends or closes in my life, regardless of the level of drama (which I def bring) I tend to think of things in term of "who's fault?". I typically blame myself for lots of things.  For being high maintenance.  For being unnecessarily sarcastic.  For being too emotional.  Too dramatic.  Too needy.  Too demanding.  Too selfish... and so on.

I'm not going to do that today.  I'm just going to be sad. Sad about broken trust.  Sad about deal breakers. Sad about an evaporated future. Sad about loss and emptiness.  Sad about the collateral damage. Sad about sin and selfish choices.

But I won't be this sad forever.  Jesus still has a plan.  All good things come from the Father of heavenly lights.  And no matter how heartsick I feel, that is still true.

Second blog, finished.

Blog #1

I fell asleep last night with Judgment Day on my mind. It was just before midnight and I laughing to myself about waking up in the morning, still here, still living and how everyone else would be too.

But I was not laughing when I woke up this morning. I was not giggly. I didn't feel like posting a funny reference on Facebook about being confused about what time the Rapture must be taking place. And I post OFTEN on good ol' FB.

I like to think of myself as witty/clever/funny/humorous. That isn't how I'm feeling at all. I woke up weighed down, burdened even. I started to cry on my way downstairs. I cried as I decided to start blogging, sitting in my rocking chair and I cried harder when trying to explain my tears to a rather bewildered Melissa. I'm starting to cry again. Because while I will be glad in The Bible once again proved being true - nobody knows when He is returning, Matthew 24:36 - there are thousands of people that will be disappointed, confused and hopeless when Jesus doesn't return for them today. And that isn't something to make light of. That isn't something I can feel superior about because I know The Truth. I'm pretty sure Jesus does not think that is funny or silly or something that doesn't need to be taken seriously and as His follower, I should want to to respond like Him.

So I'm going to be careful today and not poke fun. Not make a joke at the expense of someone else's lost hope. I don't want to be a jerk, I've already wasted enough time not being the woman Jesus intends me to be. So instead, I'm going to pray for the people misled and let down. I'm going to ask God to show them His truth, who He really is. I'm going to thank Him for the people that have spoken truth into my life, for His Word that is irrefutable and ask for His guidance and help to look more like him.

First grown up blog. Done.